


Can You Get a Bachelor's Degree in Porn

by mistaspistol



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:03:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17385269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistaspistol/pseuds/mistaspistol
Summary: Go to college, they said. Get a degree, they said. That’s how you’ll find a career, they said. They didn’t say jack shit about lazy white-haired assholes constantly taking up all of the best study spots to read porn.Obito is nineteen and has been at university a full year (and them some) the first time he meets grade 'A' asshole, Hatake Kakashi.





	Can You Get a Bachelor's Degree in Porn

Obito is nineteen and has been at university for a full year (and then some) the first time it happens. His dorm, being one of the older ones, only has one truly usable study area. The rest are usually too full of chattering business students or too loud sorority girls. Not that Obito has much room to talk. He’s been kicked out of the library more times than he’d care to count, and Rin refuses to study with him anymore. Hence why the basement floor of his dorm building, with its constant drywall smell and eerie silence, has been his study hole for the last two months. Were it not for the humanoid lump sprawled across the only remaining armchair that wasn’t broken or reeking of weed, that’s where he’d be studying tonight as well. Unfortunately, Obito’s luck seems to have run out.

“Hey,” He’s never been one for shyness, and this kid is definitely a freshman, going by his scrawny frame and the baby fat still clinging to his barely visible cheeks, “you’re kind of in my spot.” Rule number one of college: freshmen are at the bottom of the food chain. Apparently, this particular fresh fish hasn’t learned that lesson yet, if his noncommittal grunt is any indication. 

“Hey,” no harm in trying again at least, “that’s my armchair. I use it for studying? Can you take a nap somewhere else? Like your dorm room, maybe?” The lump, instead of getting up like any reasonable person, squints open a single tired eye, and immediately shift deeper into the cushions. This is surprising; usually people see Obito’s scars and eyepatch and get the fuck out of his way, so either this kid is stupid or particularly ballsy. He’s going to get his ass kicked. Maybe not by Obito, who considers himself a decent person when he’s not knee deep in three separate midterm exams, but definitely by some other more brazen individual.

“Look, man, I really just need to—” apparently reaching out to tap the guy on the shoulder was a mistake, because the next thing Obito knows, he’s staring at flickering fluorescent ceiling lights with the distinct feeling of air whooshing out of his lungs and his back being pressed achingly into the carpet.

“Maa, sorry about that, but you really shouldn’t try to wake people while they’re napping,” a voice drawls in his now ringing ears. “Especially during midterms,” the voice adds in afterthought. Obito, mind whirling, has a brief moment of, _if_   _I weren’t sleep deprived and suffering, that might have been hot_ , before anger thrums in his veins.

“What the actual fuck?! Do you normally judo-flip people who just want to fucking study?!” He wheezes, lungs giving an unhealthy rattle. Having regained his bearings, at least somewhat, Obito pulls himself into a sitting position just in time to catch the half-hearted shrug the nuisance gives him in response.

“Seriously! Where the hell do you get off thinking you can just—“ Infuriatingly, Supreme Jackass simply pulls the scarf he has wrapped around his face further up to cover his ears. Were he not already wary of having his ass handed to him _again_ , Obito would have punched the guy. As it were, his back is aching and his head still feels lighter than normal, so Obito decides that studying in his dorm room with his roommate’s never-ending snoring is an easier-to-deal-with problem than the demon lying before him. Not one to give up without a fight (and because deep down, he’s very childish), Obito slams the door to the basement lounge and relishes in the resulting bang.

 

* * *

 

“You did what now?” Rin’s deadpan question seems less than impressed with Obito’s tale of woe.

“I just wanted my seat back, Rin! ‘Sides, he was clearly a freshman! They’re supposed to listen to upperclassmen and shit,” Obito whines between bites of cereal.

“One: you’re hardly an upperclassman, Obito. You have no right to go shoving people out chairs just because you’re picky about where you study. Two: how would you feel if some stranger tried to oust you from the first good napping spot you’ve found during your first ever midterms?” Rin’s eyes are piercing him with that _I expected more from you_ , look that always hits him right in the gut.

Sighing, Obito admits defeat, “Fine, fine. I was wrong, you’re right, I shouldn’t have picked a fight to begin with. There, are you happy?”

“Considering you got your ass handed to you? Very.” How someone can be so evil while simultaneously preaching morality, Obito will never understand.

 

* * *

 

For a while, that seems to be that. The next time Obito seeks out his favorite study spot, Supreme Asshole is nowhere to be found. _Good riddance_ , Obito’s inner nineteen-sixties housewife can’t help but huff indignantly. For two whole weeks, the basement lounge is blissfully his. Of course, because Obito has the worst luck in the universe, it doesn’t last.

Having moved on from midterms, Obito only has one exam to study for right now. However, it’s a doozy: a cumulative test over every vocab word and book chapter they’ve studied since the beginning of the semester. Armed with a cup of coffee and a stack of notes, Obito makes his way to his favorite study spot. It’s been a few weeks since The Incident with no sign of the obnoxious freshman, so when Obito swings open the basement door to find a lanky figure sprawled across his favorite armchair, he’s surprised. Tightening his grip on his coffee cup, Obito takes a deep breath and makes his way across the room to one of the weed infused armchairs. Rin was right, he was being childish. He could give up the cozy seat that probably had his butt print forever imbedded in the cushion for one evening. The lump, Obito observes, has not acknowledged his presence whatsoever. Typical. Knowing that he’s not going to get anywhere at this rate, Obito settles into his new seat, nose wrinkling at the stench, and cracks open a textbook.

After fifteen minutes of dry, boring studying, Obito’s ears twitch at the sound of a page turning. Upon further investigation, it appears The Freshman has pulled out a book of his own. When the kid woke up, Obito has no idea, but he appears to be studying, so he returns to his own textbook for the time being. A few minutes later, however; a new sound fills his ears. At first, Obito thinks he imagined it, until it happens again: a chuckle, a soft chuckle coming from the direction of The Nuisance. Obito’s single remaining eye twitches in its socket. Definitely not studying, then.

_Leave it_ , his inner Rin tells him, so he steels himself and returns to his studying. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans, because his thought process is interrupted once more by a loud heady sigh.

“Could you cut it out?” Obito snaps before he can stop himself. Really, he’s being ridiculous and he knows it, but something about this guy grates under his skin and rattles his bones. Predictably, Asshat doesn’t respond. Gritting his teeth, he returns to his own reading, though a good quarter of his headspace is now occupied with keeping tabs on Dickhead.

Twenty more minutes of getting absolutely nowhere in his studies, and after the twelfth vocal disturbance (they’ve been increasing in frequency as the minutes go by) from across the room, Obito has had enough. With a snap of his textbook, he stalks across the floor to the offending lump. Said lump doesn’t do so much as twitch at his approach, seemingly fully engrossed in his book. At this distance, Obito can just make out the cover, and immediately wishes he hadn’t. It’s clearly some sort of smutty romance novel, if the two naked figures on the front are any indication. And really, who reads smut in a public lounge where anyone could notice? _Rin_ , his brain immediately supplies, but he shoves the thought aside and focuses on his current preoccupation.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the last time we met, I shouldn’t have asked you to move, that was rude and entitled, whatever. But if you’re gonna be down here, could you at least study? Or go back to napping?” Obito’s half-assed apology wiggles out of his mouth on its own accord because maybe reasoning with this guy will earn him some peace. No such luck.

“Hm,” is his only response. Obito’s entire body twitches.

“Hey!” against his better judgement based on previous experience, Obito does something very very stupid, “would you listen to me?” The second his fingers graze the book cover, Obito’s arm is wrenched behind his back and twisted sharply. The resulting shriek he lets out is well earned.

“What the hell, man?!” just as quickly as it happened, Obito yanks himself out of Evil Spawn’s grip. Evil Spawn, as if he hadn’t just attacked someone, only shrugs.

“You shouldn’t have touched my book,” the jerk says.

“That doesn’t mean you have to break my arm!” Obito hollers.

“Your arm is fine,” the nightmare child states matter-of-factly.

“Says you!” He knows he’s whining, but Obito can’t help it. This guy is a grade ‘A’ asshole. “Seriously, what’s your problem?!”

“What’s _your_ problem?” Jerkface taunts back, tone lazy and uncaring. Clearly Obito isn’t the only child here.

“My _problem_ is that I’m trying to study for a _very important_ exam and some stuck up freshman is making that impossible!” Gods, he knows he sounds like an asshole, but really this kid had it coming. Obnoxious tendencies aside, his attitude is just plain awful.

“I’m not a freshman.” That catches Obito off guard. This kid looks like infant, he was certain—

“But you look like an infant,” Obito’s mouth says for him. Of all things, that seems to get a reaction out of Not A Freshman But Definitely A Jerk.

“And you look like an idiot. I skipped a grade,” the kid replies, annoyance coloring his tone for the first time. Ah. That makes sense, Obito decides.

“Then why haven’t I seen you around before?” Obito needles, a part of him deciding that this is somehow worth arguing about. Young and Rude settles back into indifference.

“It’s a big campus,” he responds, shrugging, “can I go back to my reading now?” A muscle in Obito’s jaw twitches as the kid returns to his book before he can even reply. Having learned his lesson, and clearly not about to get anything else from Porn For Brains, Obito stalks back to his seat and commits himself to staring angrily at his textbook for the next two hours.

 

* * *

 

“I’m serious, Rin, this kid is evil,” Obito complains the next morning, stabbing a chunk of scrambled eggs with his fork and waving it around for emphasis.

“Have you ever considered that _maybe_ he’s being rude to you because you’re being rude to him?” Rin offers accusingly, halfway through her second plate of bacon.

“But I apologized!” A half assed apology, he doesn’t admit, but Rin doesn’t need to know that. She glares at him like she knows anyway.

“Somehow I don’t think your definition of an apology is the same as mine,” she says.

“You weren’t even there!” Obito splutters. Rin just raises an accusing eyebrow.

“I’ve known you since toddlerhood, Obito,” And really he can’t argue with that logic. Rin and Obito have been best friends since diapers, and he knows in his soul there’s no fooling her about anything.

“Fine. Maybe I could have been a little nicer. _Maybe_ ,” he admits. Rin just rolls her eyes, yet another strip of bacon disappearing into her mouth. “Slow down, Rin, you’re gonna choke!”

“I’m fine, doofus, quit your mothering,” she snaps, five chews and a swallow later. Unconvinced, Obito crosses his arms and levels her with his own disapproving stare. Before his “mom glare” can work it’s magic, however, Rin’s attention flies elsewhere. “Hey, what did you say that kid looked like again?” She asks.

“White hair, pale, built like a twig, wears a dumb scarf, even indoors. Why?” Obito, a sinking feeling already setting in, turns to follow her gaze before she can answer. “Oh fuck, that’s totally him,” head turned, he doesn’t expect the punch that nails him in the shoulder. “Ow! What the fuck, Rin?”

“What the hell, Obito, you didn’t say your arch nemesis was _hot_ ,” She’s glaring at him like she was the one punched in the shoulder.

“ _What?!_ Of course not! He’s scrawny and obnoxious! Why would I think that’s attractive at all?” Rin levels him with yet another accusatory glare, and frankly, Obito doesn’t think he deserves it this time.

“For one, in all the time that I’ve known you, you’ve only ever been attracted to complete assholes. Two, did you not see his arm muscles? No wonder he flipped you on your ass so easily!” Really, Rin is over exaggerating here. Kisame and Deidara were both fleeting relationships, if you can even call them that. Zetsu doesn’t even bare mentioning. As for Nagato— okay, maybe there’s a bit of a pattern there, but not everyone Obito’s dated has been a complete jerkoff.

“Are you forgetting that we dated for two months back in high school, or are you willingly admitting you’re an asshole?” He asks, smirking.

“That hardly counts, I’m literally the only girl you’ve ever been attracted to, and we barely even knew what we were doing.”

“Not true! The only girl thing, I mean. I had a crush on a Konan, remember?”

Rin just rolls her eyes, “Yeah, and she’s an asshole, you’re really not doing much to disprove my point here.”

Obito sighs, resigned, “Fine, I may have a bit of a problem, but that does not mean I’m attracted to this guy!” He’s nothing if not stubborn; there’s a reason he’s gotten this far in life after all the disasters he’s been through. Rin, on the other hand, seems unimpressed.

“Okay, Tobi, whatever you say,” she says, returning once more to her bacon.

Making a face at the nickname, Obito returns to his eggs. If he sneaks a glance to see what King Dickwad grabs for breakfast, well, hopefully Rin doesn’t notice.

 

* * *

 

Not two days later, it happens again. Except this time, Obito _knows_ the guy is doing this on purpose. When he walks into the basement lounge that Friday, laptop and textbook in hand, the first thing he realizes is how barren the place seems. The second thing he notices is that it’s barren because every single one of the arm chairs has been pushed into a square creating what must be the most uncomfortable bed-like object imaginable. There’s a reason Obito has a preferred seat. Loose springs aside, that doesn’t seem to stop the absolutely diabolical lump of pure evil from sprawling across all four seats, porn held high above his face as he reads. The third thing he notices is that Rin was right; he does have nice arm muscles, but that’s hardly the thing of note here.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Obito is stunned. Truly and utterly stunned. He’d just been convincing himself that he’d been wildly exaggerating the entire thing, and maybe Rin was right, but this, this is clear proof of just how right he’d been. This guy is a _fiend._

"Hm,” Absolute Prick, predictably, doesn’t look at him, but does give him more than his usual response, “sorry, did you want to study here?”

“Um, duh,” Obito fumbles his response.

“Maa, too bad, I’m going to be here a while. You could always join me if you like,” the Absolute Bastard crinkles his eyes in what has to be the fakest, evilest smile Obito has ever laid eyes on, and he knows _Rin_.

“Fat fucking chance,” he grunts, and really, it’s not worth his time at this point. There’s no winning against this jackass. He won. Obito lost. End of story. Obito returns upstairs to brave the main lobby and the obnoxious theatre majors that have taken up residence there, feeling defeated.

 

* * *

 

The next time Obito needs a study session, the basement is under renovation. A part of him feels relieved because now he doesn’t have to worry about running into The Devil Himself. Another part of him, one that he refuses to acknowledge, is disappointed. The disappointment doesn’t last long. When he was forced to study in the main lobby last time, he’d discovered a small alcove in a corner where he could hole up away from most other people. It wasn’t ideal because he had to sit on the ground, but it was far enough away from the main noise of the floor that he could concentrate on his textbooks without getting too distracted. Apparently, the gods really have it out for him. When Obito rounds the corner today, a familiar head of unruly white hair is the first thing he spots. The second thing he notices is that godforsaken porn book in the gremlin’s hand.

“Are you doing this on purpose?!” Obito practically shouts. The kid doesn’t even have the good graces to be startled. He glances up at Obito for all of one second.

“Oh, it’s you,” he says, before returning to his book. Obito is really going crazy now. The basement is under construction, _so how is this still happening?_

“Please, man, I’m begging you. I have to study for an exam, and this is literally the only place I can get anything done. _Please_ ,” somewhere, Obito feels ashamed that he’s resorted to pleading, but the rest of him is too desperate and tired to care.

“Just go to the library,” Evil Goblin says, eyes trained forever on his book.

“I can’t,” Obito grits out, fists clenching with the desire to throttle this kid, “I’ve been banned.” That seems to catch his attention.

“Banned? What for?” He asks, and he seems somewhere between curious, impressed, and condescending all at the same time.

“It’s none of your damned business,” Obito mutters because he doesn’t want to explain that he got kicked out for knocking over an entire shelf of books and nearly causing a domino effect that would have knocked over every single shelf in the vicinity if it hadn’t been for Rin’s quick thinking.

“Hm, if you tell me why you got kicked out, I’ll leave,” Jackass offers. Obito swallows. That isn’t a bad deal by any means, but does he really want to give this guy any sort of ammunition on him? Obito weighs his options and eventually decides that studying for this exam is probably more important than his damaged pride.

“Fine,” he begins, albeit reluctantly, “I got kicked out for starting a fight with someone by throwing a book at their head, and then knocking over an entire bookshelf.” He omits the part where he knocked over the bookshelf because and he and Kisame had started heavily making out against it. _Nobody_ needs to know that particular detail. “Are you satisfied?” He asks.

“Hmm,” The bastard takes a moment to consider, just to piss Obito off. “Maa, I suppose that’ll do. See you later,” and with that, Cryptid Jerkoff snaps his book shut, rises to his feet (annoyingly, the guy is taller than him by a couple of inches), and leaves. Obito spends the next several minutes too shocked that that worked to get any studying done.

 

* * *

 

As final exams approach, the basement floor stays closed, much to Obito’s frustration. Luckily, in a stroke of generosity, Rin allows him to study in her dorm room. Between her pre-med exams and his law exams, there’s no room between them for distraction. Plus, without the added factor of Kisame or any of their other friends (or, Obito’s army of exes, as Rin likes to call them), the two of them are able to get a lot done without complaint. They end up holed in her room, a single, the lucky shit, for the entirety of finals week. It’s for this reason that Obito doesn’t see Porn Fanatic for the rest of the semester.

With finals over and done with, Rin goes home to her family, and Obito returns to house hopping between various overbearing family members for the holidays. It’s an old yet comfortable tradition: Fugaku and Mikoto’s for Christmas, then Madara’s for New Years. They alternate every couple of years, but the pattern is familiar. He returns to the spring semester with socks from Madara (a dull yet useful gift), a plethora of gift cards and a warm hat from Fugaku, a new eyepatch and some books from Mikoto, a box of organic teas from Itachi, and an ambiguous stuffed bird from Sasuke. The stuffed animal came with a very precious drawing of himself and the four year old holding hands. Obito refuses to admit that he sobbed when he opened it, and if he hangs the drawing on the wall next to his bed and keeps the stuffed bird by his pillow, well, no one aside from his roommate and Rin has to know.

He also received gifts from various other cousins, aunts, and uncles. Most of which are gift cards or small sums of money. Overall, it was a decent haul, and Obito can’t complain.

The first official day back in school finds him bundled up in his new hat and socks. A part of him wishes he could feel spite towards Madara for the incredibly plain gift, but he can’t deny their practicality, and they’re fairly expensive socks too. Leave it to Madara to spend a lot of money on something as banal as socks. All of that aside, Obito is warm and toasty on his way to his first class, and the frigid cold just means he can thoroughly enjoy some of the tea Itachi gifted him when he gets back to his dorm.

He’s on his fourth and final class of the day when the Fates decide to throw him a curveball. Being the first day back from winter break, it’s no surprise that there are multiple people missing from class. What is startling is the door to the classroom swinging open moments after attendance is taken to reveal a lanky and annoyingly familiar white haired figure. Just his fucking luck.

The professor, to his credit, only looks mildly annoyed. “What’s your name, so I can mark you as late,” he states, rather than asks. Obito finds himself suddenly invested in the answer. He was too stubborn to ever ask the guy for his name, but now he can finally put that minor mystery to bed.

“Hatake, Kakashi,” King of Assholes answers, nonchalant as ever. _Kakashi_. Finally, Obito has a name to pin to that annoying face, and he can stop coming up with absurd nicknames for the guy. Their professor grunts in acknowledgment and Kakashi scans the room for an open seat. Only now does Obito realize his error in picking a spot away from most other humans. Kakashi’s eyes zero in on him, and there goes any enjoyment Obito was going to get out of this class. Even from here, Obito can see how his eyes crinkle in mischief as Kakashi makes his way towards him. This is going to suck.

**Author's Note:**

> Three thousand words later, just for a name. Oh Obito, what are you doing with your life?
> 
> Hi everyone! So, this is my second time posting a fic to AO3. Thankfully, this time, I have most almost all of this fic pre-written, so updates should be fairly regular. Thank you for reading! I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you all enjoy it. Happy new year!


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